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This convoluted self-identity started to have its implications. This affected my ability to make meaningful friendships and find my niche within the gay community. The more I rejected my true self, the more I became an outsider.
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I was living a lie, and people were becoming suspicious. Every year, the students in our class would change, and it was a new opportunity for me to meet other pupils.
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Eventually this would lead to people teasing me, but it never escalated further than that. I would never claim that I was bullied; I had a quite a big frame and I think people were intimated by my size. Still, it was a very lonely time for me. As I slowly came to terms with my sexuality, I started going to gay bars and clubs.
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I have always admired gay men who are confident in themselves. I definitely find a lot of black men, like myself, to be more reserved about their sexuality, in comparison to gay, white males. I question where this confidence stems from: Does it come from within? From family support? Or from the media? The media openly embraces white homosexuals and their lifestyles unlike homosexuality in the black community. I wonder as a young boy, if I would have seen a black, gay man on screen that I could relate to, if this would have led me down a path of acceptance, rather than rejecting my true self.
It sounds ridiculous, but because I longed to have a network and support system I played up to this. I was tired of being an outsider and I craved validation. In a way, I even felt proud of myself because I was finally seeking approval from other gay men, rather than trying to fool people into believing I was straight. No one should have to act in a way that is unnatural — regardless of race or sexuality.
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